Making P(ea/ie)ce
Here it is almost the middle of January, and I'm wondering how is everyone doing? Are you doing a dry January? Did you start a new diet or exercise routine? Did you buy the world's best planner, and filling it with all the things you must or should do? Have you given up yet?
Fun Socks - First attempt
I promised myself back in December that I would not fall into the societal hype of New Year's resolutions, and I am happy to say I'm doing a good job of it. My one plan for the year ahead is to Make Peace with Myself. No more falling for Big Diet/Exercise's mission statement that everyone should be thin, trim, toned and fabulous. Hasn't worked for me so far. All it has done is made me yo-yo up and down in my weight, feel like a failure, and distance me from my body. I don't even know what hunger or satiety feels like anymore. I wasn't born like this, I was made into this by all the messages that I absorbed along the way. Time for a reboot, factory reset if you will, a return to listening to my body and its needs. Has it been easy? NO! In fact it has been terrifying, but I need to stick with it.
It's coming up on a year since I made the decision to leave teaching. It came from a deep need to save myself. I heard my body and soul crying out to stop doing something that made me so desperately unhappy. To clarify, I did enjoy my time with my students especially when we were working in the lab, but the politics, the pressures from outside, the disruption from COVID, the loss of control over what I could teach, the ongoing vandalism carried out by students, lack of respect for the profession, all began to take their toll on me. Every morning driving to work, my anxiety would bring on pains in my stomach. I was back to being that anxious little girl who dreaded gym class day and the bullying I might experience because of my overweight body.
This piece of writing has gone in a very different direction than what I thought I would sit down to write, but I think it is the piece I needed to write. There will be people out there who will read the paragraph above and tell me that getting thin would have stopped the bullying. Guess what there are so many ways that bullying occurs not just about your body. I was bullied for being a smart, well prepared student. Others will hate on me for giving up on teaching, even though thousands of us around the country are leaving the profession. I remind myself not to feel guilty when I see articles or videos discussing the impacts that teacher shortages are having on children. If anything everyone else should be looking at themselves to see how they have contributed to this problem. Yes, I'm talking to you parents and taxpayers, politicians and other so called experts who have no idea what it is like to work at nurturing learners.
People asked me when I announced my 'retirement' from teaching, what are you going to do next? My answer: Take a year to figure it all out. Luckily, I am in a place financially where I am able to do that. Did I panic and throw myself into something new because we all need to answer the dreaded 'what do you do' question when meeting someone new. In a way I did, but that something new is all about creating. I started a business. I am a maker. I am making PEACE with myself with every PIECE of art that I create.
Winter's here and knitting feels so restorative. Sitting by the fire, listening to an audiobook so that my hands are free to work is an absolutely wonderful experience. I'm getting books on knitting out from the library, watching how to videos on YouTube and learning new skills. I'm challenging myself with learning to make socks. My first attempt wasn't too bad. The pair pictured above are super comfy and warm. Granted I used yarn that was a size too big so my gauge is off, but it was an excellent way to use up the odds and ends from other projects. Progress not perfection - that's my other newish motto that I've been trying to live by for some time now. Perfectionism is a topic for another day.
